Friday 24 July 2015

Was I lost or Am I Now?



Was I lost or Am I Now?


Spinning with Time - High on Limes
Limes that Life throws at us
Ignoring what & why things happened
There were more Tequila shots!


Was I lost or Am I Now?


With wonders happening around
I still listen to my music loud
Now I know I am Lost, with loudness around,
For no one to find where I am,
For no one to care what I want

Loudness increases, I can't find myself too.


Was I lost or AM I NOW?


I find myself again after a long wait
I am back the way I was
Never Fake
With the music still Loud,
And I know where to go
I will find the lemons & will throw them away
Just like after a shot


Let’s take life seriously and slow like before
I am thinking like a firefly in the snow


Was I Really Lost or Am I Now?


Thursday 7 May 2015

Bloody Mary Days

It was the summer of 2006, where after my 10th board exams I had started looking out for fun-to-do activities to keep myself busy till I get my results, and also collected newspaper articles related to careers and colleges, keeping a tap on everything, in order to not to be left behind.
And one hot midsummer morning, the birds chirped in the sense that I was alive. Sipping tea as a part of my daily routine, I opened the events and activity section of Bombay Times and found the perfect interest. It was a spot on and a pretty legit activity that would also spare my loved ones from my daily drama! Here, I could puke out all of my creativity, energy and loudness in it. It was theatre! What better than that? After a lot of “discussion”, in my terms, fights, tantrums and argument, and the pampered child that I am, my parents agreed on for me to go ahead with my unexplored hobby and discover the attention seeker in me. After enrolling, the self-conscious, yet, control freak me, left and walked down to a road that I was eagerly waiting to discover.
THEATRE. The very word excites me to an extent where I feel like the Big Bad Wolf from the cartoon Red Hot Riding Hood, where the wolf acts crazy when he looks at a cabaret dancer and starts to whistle. That’s what it brought out of me. Every day at the workshop was amazing, I always wanted to meet new people, and when I did, I was like a fish out of the bowl and straight into a lake! It was a crazy feeling of newness, and I might have even been tagged as a wannabe grow up behind my back by all the graduates, high school freshers, and professionals. There were just probably three other girls, just finished school, like the 16 year old me and were yet beyond my understanding and I never liked to hang out with them. However, I loved the others who were planning about their life, already in college and it was amazing to hear them talk about their life and more.
And between and apart from my theatre workshop life and fun home life, I had someone with me. You would tag that someone as a boyfriend, a puppy love moment, yes, maybe. But it was Love for sure. For the days we were together felt like a trance, and where I used to lie at home saying I am meeting school friends or theatre friends, but actually go out with him and do the fun stuff that I have had only been heard of. They are termed as DATES. And they were fun, yes. Dinners, Lunch, movies, walking, coffee, mocktails and pecks, and above all the complete shyness of holding hands that, today, in my awesome generation is stupid, the hands are meant for doing something naughtier.
But the days had to come to an end, not for my age or his, not for our generation, not for anyone, but because of the purest and universal fact that Life is a Bitch more than once in a life time, and that’s how it rolls. For what fate had for me, was much worse in my head and triple times worse for his family when he departed in the most cunning manner the universe could do. While I waited at our secret restaurant full of fun and puppy love romance, he was being dragged on to a stretcher in a hospital and his soul wandered away in the midst of everything. I was left, stranded. I was left, forever.
And yet, if that wasn’t enough, where I had no place to hide after my course had ended, and cry under the blanket at night not understanding what to do and where to do, life threw another hardball at me by declaring my failure in the 10th grade; which is quite life threatening, shameful and disgraceful for a child to have been done in the eyes of the society. Because, it was my fault that I hadn’t studied, but reality is that I was unable to understand and failed to digest the language Marathi that I awfully sucked at, and mother effing bull shitted in the exam.
So two things had hit me; a love affair that ended way before it took a flight to the stars and a helpless start to a career. The crying of things over situations overlapped, because I didn’t know why was I crying? Tears just flowed down anytime. The thought of drowning made me feel better. So basically, I was depressed. I had disconnected from the world, including my best friend who was shattered and shocked that I had failed and might not be a part of the college life we had planned and dreamt of. I could sink in with my thoughts and get into a state of overwhelming trance where I couldn’t even hear anybody talk to me until they shook me.
While all the children of my age were running around for admissions in high school, I on the other hand was battling with myself. Mentally I was destroyed and my heart felt choked. And like they say, when you are not well mentally, the body starts to get affected too. And there came my allergies, low blood pressure along with more crying and other hormonal disorders. I had stopped reacting to people, used to get into a zone where I started to forget things, and remembering people or memories were like a puzzle to me. The soft spot had been hit, and I was in need of human aid and not medication. I had to be taken out of this before it hit me way deeper.
Family will always stand by you, no matter what. And they stepped in, took charge of the sulking me. My father encouraged me to join a workshop again, to take my inner frustration through my art. He pushed me to do something productive, apart from learning the language that I had failed in, rather, the language because of which I was pulled down in my career front.
From the next day onwards, like a light in my life, where at a point where yesterday my self-esteem and self-confidence were at the scale of -5, transferred to +10 in a week’s time. Meeting new people was my drug. Painting was my drug. And apart from getting used to beer, going out and traveling was my drug. In the process, the bug in my heart had discovered a new addiction, finding my discontinued and incomplete love in other guys that I meet.
Well, today, where I stand and for what I have done in my life, isn’t something great to talk about or brag about, but all I know is that, along with the Martinis, Draught pitcher Beers or commercialized Beer Brands, Cocktails, Gins, Vodkas, Old Monk, and Sangrias…I have also tasted Life in every possible way I can.

I cherish the depressing as well as the unexpressed happy moments that I have had. And if you ever think of taking a revenge from life, don’t. Just do better and the best for yourself. The day you’re Happy, your world will be happy for you, and no body, no fucking body, would say anything, ever, to you. And love will always be found or lost, for its love. Love knows where it wants to go.

A Beautiful Heart

A beautiful heart will always make you feel at home with warm vibes
And let your face beam in their eyes.
A beautiful heart will not let you cry,
It will sweep in smiles even if you’re living in lies.
A beautiful heart is all we need,

A beautiful heart is what everyone needs to be.

The Every time Girlfriend

They visited cloudy spaces
ahead on the road, totally wasted.

Judging was never part of the plan
except the first time they met, smiled at their lives and scanned.

Life was a jigsaw then and out of troubles now,
surrounded by purple drapes, stupid people and retarded faces

They played with colours of friendship - exploring new things
where every conversation reached an astonishing spark
together they were a thin line of radium out of nowhere in the dark.

When you find someone similar, so much like you
while life was uncertain and thinking where were you?
They've reached a point where life seems new
and friends are close and few.

Life had fallen apart many times before
Now old memories have faded
new ones are being created.
Where regrets have no place,
exploring life wherever it takes them,
like a rhythm in music
and every day rhyming in time like a poem to remember.

Smoked filled evenings
Deja Vu times,
nostalgia no more, only surprising minds.

Feels like a never ending high,
big bright stars and heart full of scars.
Everything being ignored,
when they did not meet they were both bored.

All they knew was that spending time is easy,
they only wanted to be crazy.
They liked being themselves;
And while all of the others always had forever companies,
cupid plays luck for some -
they weren't exactly like the others.
They liked things messy
only in search for some random symphony.

They found out that they both were in much need of each other
while others in love always had plans
they were in none, no love - nor plans or maps.

A random desire got them together
they spent time and made days better.
They were in their own plans every day.

The man realized to give it a much cooler name.

They one day meet on a windy night
under the moon light
big bright stars and the heart, now, not so full of scars.

All of this setting scared the girl.
Men always scared the fuck out of her.
The man told her to relax.
He told her he only wanted to 'chillax'.

The much annoying word, felt like a crime
but she did tend to cool down.

The Man said, "Will you be my..."

The long pause annoyed the girl
she wanted to slap herself out
While the man had fun only looking at her face go red.

In her heart she was scared
the brain blank and the two little freaks in her head having junk conversations.

Everything fell in place
when the man continued
All he said was...
"Will you be my every time?".

The girl smiled.
Also she didn't know what he meant.
He grinned
asked her to sit near him and he began to explain.

He went back to square one,
spoke of the day they'd met.
He said to her he never knew he'd do something so crazy
but never regret.

He told her how they were much more similar and had their own piece of shit,
forget the differences, you and I are meant to pitch.
He said he wanted her to be his every time
because sometimes he liked to bitch.
He always wanted company for movies
and not spoiled boys doping rich
And since she, much more like him,
likes to drink and eat,
made sudden plans,
no matter how sick she be,
wanted company like him.

He explained how they never fussed but just cussed,
the motto was to have fun and someday get mad and run.

How they knew that certain things are not always possible,
but still they wanted to hang out together; even when no one else was there.
So he asked her to be his every time so that she could be with him Every Time he:
wanted to eat street food
watch a film
had a bad mood
or go for a swim.
And so that they'd never feel how they felt when they had a lot of time and still no every time...

- For, happy times are a blink away.


The Night

It was in the end of the days and the beginning of a new strip of memories that held us
Stuck between Now and Then, How and When
Hesitation had no dwelling in our life, It was a feeling-less feeling…
Wait was awaited and time had been set
Warmth surrounded us and eyes met
Crossed our legs, we sat and flew
The 2 am cold wind touched us
Was it the fresh breeze that entered through or the speed we were in?
Madness and People passed by as if making way for us.
A high without a high, we walked in silence of the waves
In search of a perfect spot that would captivate
The moon light that threw itself on the sea reflecting on the diamond like sand
Created a perfect Prism where we stood
Strong arms folding around me,
Left a sense of security under my skin
A feeling that won’t leave me deserted.
Away from the world, we were secluded.
We saw nothing but ourselves.
Nothing seemed to cross our minds,
Neither the place, nor the time.
In a city not so unknown,
I was with him - who had put me in a zone.
Holding me, cheek to cheek, where words had no voice;
The night charmed us,
Above was a largely lit Sky
Eclectic and open, dangling little stars shimmered and hypnotised us.
Enchanted by what the mesmerizing Night sky had done to us,
Every breath felt and sensed strong as if one.
The waves met our feet and dragged us in with it…
They were the pilot to our feelings…
Velvet like sand, sparkling in our eyes, settled calmly
As if insisting us to join in fondly.
Like chimes in winds, the waves and our heart beats matched
For life connected the two of us through Music
As if a missing note had been found.
The breeze sang to us, the waves ushered
We saw what no one did
It was only for us, we believe.
He held me tight, as if it was the last night
The shooting star we were gazing at,
More Memories we desired for to be just like tonight
That every time the next time we come visit to you oh mighty Sea
We wish to feel the same, and that things don’t change
Where the sky remains as bright as today
A star breaks and falls for us every time
And for us to remain.
The wish was made, and dreams were fancied
We turned around glaring each other’s eyes
And kissed in hoping to see yet another starry night


The waved touched us again, as if waving good bye…

Legs Tied


I won't hug if he doesn't want to
I won't laugh if he doesn't want to
Because it’s okay if I don't get to see him
Because I can keep up the feel of being with him;
even with the distance
There he is 
and
Here I am
We both stand in a place
Where we began
We are everywhere but still in the middle of nowhere
No we are not stuck!
It just needs a little push
A little kick to get things right
Its going to take time, long time.
But when the time passes by
The awaited time won't be of any meaning
Because, 
Here we would be,
To Hug when we want
Laugh when WE want
Here we would be 
So CLOSE in our Arms
Here we would be just with 
each other
"Legs Tied"